one day

one day all of these thought bubbles i have will come true. for the first time in my life they aren't popping. they are turning into dreams, adventures and reality. i have so much happiness in my heart that it could practically explode. my sweets will be home no matter what in forty-three days. i realized that earlier tonight and cried the most happy tears i've ever cried. knowing i will have my love back in my arms, safe and sound, is probably one of the greatest feelings one can feel. 

we talked for thirty minutes tonight. but in those thirty minutes i fell even more in love with him. he has no idea the love i have for him and i can't wait until i can express it to him. one day. 

i've found such a peace within myself in the past few days. it's like the skies parted and an angel above me told me "don't worry, be happy"... so i did just that. i stopped worrying, and i'm just being happy. no need to stress and worry about the small things. who cares if a pile of laundry isn't hung up and folded right away. who cares if i don't put the blowdryer away right after i use it. those small things seem like huge deals to me sometimes and i have to remind myself, quite often, which is hard to admit, that it doesn't matter. life is short. blowdryers and laundry can wait. being around family and outdoors and enjoying life is what matters. i don't make the most money in the world but i believe that because i'm doing what i love to do that i will prosper. one day. 

i had an "aha" moment a few days ago. i thought to myself... i believe that just seven months ago i met my future. i met my future husband and father of my children. provider for the home. fixer of things. a shoulder to cry on and arms to wrap around me when i just don't feel like i can go on. he knows me and believes in me and i know he feels the same way about me. i know he sees me in his future and although we haven't talked about it yet, i just know he will be there. forever. on the good days, the just okay days and the bad days. he will be there and i will be there for him, because without him i don't have this happy heart and the butterflies in my tummy when i think about my future. one day. 

sometimes I lay
under the moon
and thank God I'm breathing
then I pray
don't take me soon
cause I am here for a reason
sometimes in my tears I drown
but I never let it get me down
so when negativity surrounds
I know some day it'll all turn around
because
all my life I've been waiting for
I've been praying for
for the people to say
that we don't wanna fight no more
they'll be no more wars
and our children will play
one day
it's not about
win or lose cause
we all lose
when they feed on the souls of the innocent
blood drenched pavement
keep on moving though the waters stay raging
in this maze you can lose your way (your way)
it might drive you crazy but don't let it faze you no way (no way)
sometimes in my tears I drown
but I never let it get me down
so when negativity surrounds
I know some day it'll all turn around

i hope that someday this little corner of mine on the internet grows. i want to be able to document and pour out my feelings into something that i can look back on one day. one day when i have my future, i can look back and know that everything happened for reasons and i can understand and realize the growth within myself. i can see this beautiful journey i'm on. in life. in love. so in love with life i am. 

tomorrow is going to be a glorious day. a little morning talk with the sweets, a hike, the beach and homemade dinner. can't wait. 

my wish is to continue the way i'm living my life because i'm truly happy and i know that it will all show and pay off and end up with me in the exact relationship i need with myself. one day. 

one day. 

times flies.

seriously people, times flies when you aren't thinking about it. 

the last time i posted about the time left until the sweets is home there was two and a half months left...

and now it's only a month and a half. can you believe that?!?! i can't, actually. time has just

flown by at super speed.

months left: one and a half

weeks left: six

days left: forty two

skype dates left: eleven

i miss that man so much and can't wait to have him back in my arms. 

hopefully someday i will have pictures of the two of us to put up on here. 

until then, just picture THE most handsome man on the planet

seriously. 

xoxo,

jessica michel

eating raw

today marks the first day of my eating raw adventure. after reading a blog i read on a daily basis i discovered that she is much like me and this eating raw diet helped her to overcome depression and her lack of energy. so i'm going for it. i'm over feeling sad, tired and depressed all the time and it's time to finally do something about it. i read the book that she read about the diet and then went out to trader joes to buy my supplies. aka:raw food. i picked up fresh veggies, fruit, lots of salad, agave nectar, quinoa and sprouted bread. this morning for breakfast i had a bowl of oatmeal with agave nectar, cinnamon and blueberries. it was pretty tasty. i also made two pieces of toasted sprouted bread and topped it with agave nectar and cinnamon. breakfast should always be the biggest meal of the day. the funny thing is, i'm not as full as if i were to eat regular bread with butter and eggs. i plan on keeping this diet up for twenty one days to see what happens. the girl whose blog i read about this diet on, lost fifteen pounds in three weeks. if i lose fifteen pounds in three weeks, i will be to my goal weight and totally ready for summer. i work out daily, so i will also tone, instead of just lose weight. i'm really excited to see the results, but i'm really hoping i can keep up with this style of eating. it's hard, especially during that time of the months like right now. i just want to eat cookies and chocolate and salty foods. but, i'm going to resist them. my snack today is going to be hummus with pita, lunch is going to be quinoa with agave nectar, cinnamon and cut up fruit mixed into it. snack after that will be carrots and cherry tomatoes and dinner with be a nice big spinach salad topped with tomatoes, bell peppers and quinoa. if i'm going to snack though, it has to be 30 minutes prior to the next meal, and if i want to eat fruit it needs to be three hours after the previous meal so my body can digest the fruit properly. i'm just going to stick to my diet plan today though and not think about that three hour empty stomach rule. seems slightly silly to me. so we will see what happens. i'd like to step on the scale in a week and be five pounds lighter. crossing my fingers! 

cross your fingers for me people! i need all the finger crossing i can get. this is going to be tough but totally worth it. soooo totallllly worth it. or at least that's what i keep repeating to myself over and over and over again. 

xoxo,

jessica michel

thoughtful tuesday

skype dates with the sweets make me smile. they are never long enough though. yeah, we talk for three hours at a time, but that still isn't long enough. he calculated that in the time that he is gone we will have talked for 90 hours. how cute that he calculated that :) that's a lot of JUST talking. but we are learning quite a bit about each other, that's for darn sure. i can't wait to not talk, and you know, do other things{wink,wink}. two and a half months to go. time is flying by and i couldn't be happier about it. i miss him so much and just want him home safely. we have so many fun things to look forward to this summer and i just want them to happen NOW. i know, i know, i need to be patient. or as he says "be patient my little grasshopper". too cute is what he is. i adore that man beyond words and he truly means the world to me. i'm such a lucky girl. 

{time until the boyfriend is home}

months: two and a half

weeks: twelve

days: eighty-two

skype dates: twenty. 

not bad 

not bad at all.

i got this,

i can do this,

i can be strong and make it. 

i know i can. 

seeing couples makes me so jealous. like, seriously, i just want to tell people to stop being cute around me because it makes me want to scream because i miss the sweets so much. the only couples that don't make me want to throw a tantrum are older couples. mostly because old couples are so adorable and i can't be mad at them for loving each other so much. 

i ate pretty well yesterday. i'm off to a good start! i can't wait to see the transformation in the next two months. i really also need to work a tan. i'm casper over here and it isn't okay! my boyfriend who is in iraq and covered in his uniform all the time will probably be more tan than i am when he comes home. sad day.

i will leave you with a few snaps from the weekend. sunday was spent with my dad. it was lovely to spend a whole day with just my daddy. it needs to happen more often. 

 {i get my diet coke addiction from my dad}

 {love me some REI sale}

 {pops shoe shopping}

 {cute baby clothes are nordies that make me want a baby...NOW}

 {daddy}

 {love me some stella}

 {nobody should wear those ugly flipper toe sock shoe things. i don't even know their name, but they are ridiculous and should be banned from this earth. immediately if not sooner. thanks. }

i don't have the time to flip the photos the right way, so just tilt your head for the time being. sorry in advance for the neck ache. 

hope everyone is having a lovely tuesday. i am!

xoxo,

jessica michel

so long taco bell...

today starts the challenge. 

15 pounds in two months. 

weight:140lbs

goal:125lbs

NO fast food

NO chocolate or fro yo{that's going to be the hardest}

NO starbucks. sad day

NO eating past 7:30pm

NO alcohol{shouldn't be too hard}

this shouldn't be all that hard. i love fruits and veggies and lean meats. but i also love sweets and taco bell. seriously, taco bell is my weakness. 

i will weigh in every monday morning to check the stats and post them on here. i can do this. i got this. i want to look good for my sweets when he comes home, not like a dump truck. 

hope everyone is having a happy monday :)

xoxo,

jessica michel

a big goal, a project, and randomness

i decided today that something big needs to happen with my diet. i'm not out of shape, but i really could eat healthier. and i guess i could also tone a bit. so tomorrow marks the first day of healthy eating. i have a goal to try and conquer before the sweets is home. that is to lose fifteen pounds. i can do it, i know i can, and i think that if i keep track of it on here and post pictures and my progress then it will really help. being  dancer, it's easy to stay fit but what i put into my body is also very important. starting tomorrow, i will not eat fast food, anything but wheat bread, chocolate, and i will be cutting down to two diet cokes a day. i drink a lot of diet coke, so cutting down to two a day will be a huge step at first. i will eat more grains, vegetables and fruits. eighty three days to lose fifteen pounds. that doesn't seem like such a big deal. now. let's see what i say in about a week when i really just want a bagel and a chocolate bar. 

i've always dealt with a little bit of an eating disorder and i really just want to be done with it. i have major body image issues and it's not good and it consumes my thoughts about 90% of the time. it's horrible. it's time to get down to business and just be happy with who i am, because in the end it's all i really have. so, for the next eighty-three days i will document my progress on here and hopefully it helps. 

i'm having such a hard time deciding what to send mr. sweets for his birthday. he will be thirty-one{i joke with him all the time that he is an old man} and he would rather have something homemade than store bought. which is all fine and dandy, but what the heck do i make?!? we joked about me making a seven foot long card, so maybe i will be creative and come up with something. the next week or two will be all about brainstorming and then i will ned to get down to business and come up with something. 

one of these days{soon, i promise}, i will write an "about me" post. i'm sure you all would like to know a little bit about me and my story. well, hopefully :) 

sorry if this post was a little debbie downer, i just had to get it out and write it publicly. i feel like it will help. 

this is me here people. i can be quite the character and i love my photobooth on my laptop, so get used to pictures. lots and lots of pictures. hopefully not all of them just of me, that would be boring. i really want a nice camera to take some awesome snaps with. maybe for my birthday. hmmm. 

{my hair is getting so long, finally, sheesh}

xoxo,

jessica michel

double digits are even harder

seriously, why were the first three months so easy? now that we are eighty-four days away, it seems like eternity. eternity i tell you. every time we talk, we discuss all of the amazing things we want to do together we he comes home and all of the places we want to explore. in the moment i love talking about all of those things, but afterwards i just feel so sad because it feels like it's so far away until those things can happen. i really just want my boyfriend back home. safe and in my arms. is that too much to ask for? 

our conversation last night was great and i really opened up to him a lot. there are so many things still left to learn about one another but i think even just after four months, we already understand each other greatly. it is crazy that it has only been four months. it seems like it has been forever. 

i guess a little back story would help, but i'm not quite sure i want to share all of that yet with the world. someday i will write about it. not sure if i want to go public with this blog yet, or if i just want to keep it to myself to journal my thoughts and feelings about life and love. 

i haven't been the happiest person lately, which honestly i don't understand sometimes. i've got an amazing boyfriend, a job i love and a great supportive family. but i just feel like there is something so big missing, and i think i may have figured it out. i don't like myself most of the time. i'm way too hard on myself but don't have the motivation, strength or guts to do anything about wanted to be better and that has been the hardest part. i need to make more money, but i don't really feel like looking for another job. i want to go back to school but i'm so scared of failure that i don't even want to try. i want to audition and meet new people in my business but i don't think i'm good enough. which, i know is totally silly because people tell me all the time that i'm a very talented dancer. sometimes i believe them, but it's hard when i don't see it in myself. i need to do simple things, like get a haircut+colored{seriously, i'm looking like a homeless person}, i need to get a smog check+registration for my car because i've already been pulled over for it but i don't have the motivation to get my ass to the dmv. i mean, no body wants to spend time at the dmv but why is it so hard for me to do? i don't understand it. i want to get my butt to the gym{although, owning a gym pass would help greatly}, and i want to get into shape before my sweets comes home. but i have no motivation to do that either. i just think "eh, he already likes me, so why do i really need to try". stupid, stupid, stupid. that's a horrible way to think. 

i really hope i pull out of this funk soon because all i really want to do lately is go to sleep and not wake up for a week{or five}. it's bad, really bad, and i just want to be the happy me again. i have so many things to look forward to in the near future and a lot of those things include my sweets, so i better get my ass into gear soon because the last thing i want to have happen is for him to come home and i'm a disaster and a very unhappy mess. he doesn't deserve that, he deserves the very best and someone who can devote her everything to him. because yes, he is THAT amazing people. he gets me, he understands who i am and he thinks "you're worth it"{you're=me}. those three words came out of his mouth last night in conversation, and although i'm not going to share the conversation on here, hearing those words come from his sweet mouth made me tear up and realize how absolutely lucky and blessed i am to have met him and have him in my life. 

my short but very stressful and time consuming to-do list:

-smog check

-dmv

-mail proof of registration to la and oc courts{yeah, i got two fucking fix it tickets for my stupid registration}

-hair cut and color

-pharmacy

{goal is to have all of this taken care of by wednesday of next week}

and because another one of my goals is to start thinking more positively and happy i will be posting pictures of things that make me smile. some of them may be silly to people reading this, but to me, they make me happy and really that's all that matters. 

                                                    {vegas.eiffel tower.clear blue sky}

 {francine/sister from another mother

and why did the photo editing make our teeth ridiculously white.odd}

 {the sky at dusk}

{classics.i heart music}

 {summer dresses in april}

 {the cutes pooch ever}

 {the cherry chapstick given to me by my sweets}

{the double rainbow over disneyland yesterday}

sorry for the length of this first post. but it definitely let's you into my life and a little abbot who i am. there is much more to come in time. i really just want to start documenting things because i have a feeling big things are going to be happening in my life{cross your fingers}

xoxo,

jessica michel