seriously, why were the first three months so easy? now that we are eighty-four days away, it seems like eternity. eternity i tell you. every time we talk, we discuss all of the amazing things we want to do together we he comes home and all of the places we want to explore. in the moment i love talking about all of those things, but afterwards i just feel so sad because it feels like it's so far away until those things can happen. i really just want my boyfriend back home. safe and in my arms. is that too much to ask for?
our conversation last night was great and i really opened up to him a lot. there are so many things still left to learn about one another but i think even just after four months, we already understand each other greatly. it is crazy that it has only been four months. it seems like it has been forever.
i guess a little back story would help, but i'm not quite sure i want to share all of that yet with the world. someday i will write about it. not sure if i want to go public with this blog yet, or if i just want to keep it to myself to journal my thoughts and feelings about life and love.
i haven't been the happiest person lately, which honestly i don't understand sometimes. i've got an amazing boyfriend, a job i love and a great supportive family. but i just feel like there is something so big missing, and i think i may have figured it out. i don't like myself most of the time. i'm way too hard on myself but don't have the motivation, strength or guts to do anything about wanted to be better and that has been the hardest part. i need to make more money, but i don't really feel like looking for another job. i want to go back to school but i'm so scared of failure that i don't even want to try. i want to audition and meet new people in my business but i don't think i'm good enough. which, i know is totally silly because people tell me all the time that i'm a very talented dancer. sometimes i believe them, but it's hard when i don't see it in myself. i need to do simple things, like get a haircut+colored{seriously, i'm looking like a homeless person}, i need to get a smog check+registration for my car because i've already been pulled over for it but i don't have the motivation to get my ass to the dmv. i mean, no body wants to spend time at the dmv but why is it so hard for me to do? i don't understand it. i want to get my butt to the gym{although, owning a gym pass would help greatly}, and i want to get into shape before my sweets comes home. but i have no motivation to do that either. i just think "eh, he already likes me, so why do i really need to try". stupid, stupid, stupid. that's a horrible way to think.
i really hope i pull out of this funk soon because all i really want to do lately is go to sleep and not wake up for a week{or five}. it's bad, really bad, and i just want to be the happy me again. i have so many things to look forward to in the near future and a lot of those things include my sweets, so i better get my ass into gear soon because the last thing i want to have happen is for him to come home and i'm a disaster and a very unhappy mess. he doesn't deserve that, he deserves the very best and someone who can devote her everything to him. because yes, he is THAT amazing people. he gets me, he understands who i am and he thinks "you're worth it"{you're=me}. those three words came out of his mouth last night in conversation, and although i'm not going to share the conversation on here, hearing those words come from his sweet mouth made me tear up and realize how absolutely lucky and blessed i am to have met him and have him in my life.
my short but very stressful and time consuming to-do list:
-smog check
-dmv
-mail proof of registration to la and oc courts{yeah, i got two fucking fix it tickets for my stupid registration}
-hair cut and color
-pharmacy
{goal is to have all of this taken care of by wednesday of next week}
and because another one of my goals is to start thinking more positively and happy i will be posting pictures of things that make me smile. some of them may be silly to people reading this, but to me, they make me happy and really that's all that matters.
{francine/sister from another mother
and why did the photo editing make our teeth ridiculously white.odd}
{the sky at dusk}
{classics.i heart music}
{summer dresses in april}
{the cutes pooch ever}
{the cherry chapstick given to me by my sweets}
{the double rainbow over disneyland yesterday}
sorry for the length of this first post. but it definitely let's you into my life and a little abbot who i am. there is much more to come in time. i really just want to start documenting things because i have a feeling big things are going to be happening in my life{cross your fingers}
xoxo,
jessica michel
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